All the myths, masks and defenses I have constructed during the first half of my life are being knocked down. My personal roles have been feeling empty and in some cases are being completely taken away. Case in point, I can no longer call myself a homeschool mom.
Earlier in my life, even a year ago, losing that “title” would have shaken me up. I would have questioned my whole life because of the loss of one role. Don’t get me wrong, I still went through a tangle of emotions. The thoughts ran through my mind : “am I failing as a mom because we’re going to put the kids in school?” “is this going to negatively affect the kids?” And it all boils down to, “Am I good enough?” Whew, that’s the one underlying, million dollar question. And I know I am worthy, loved, beloved, and I am enough. No matter what external role I take on or lose, I will never lose my worth.
My worth is not derived by my roles in life. It’s not added up based on how many people follow me on social media. (More to come on that soon.)
It is partially faith-based. I am a follower of Christ. But choosing to follow Christ didn’t all of a sudden flip a switch in my mind, so I can’t say that was my missing piece. For a while I thought I had to lay down my life for others. That made me unhappy, lacking, unfulfilled and it ironically left me with little love to share with others.
I have been so concerned with being gentle with others that I forgot to be kind and gentle with myself. So now I choose to honor commitments made to myself. I show up for me like I do for friends. I have my own back.
I put my workouts and my quiet time in my planner so that I have to actively mark it out if I miss. And you know what? I’ve missed less and less of my dates with myself over the past few weeks. I took a two week break from social media because I felt the strain it was causing in my life. Instead of sitting back and just living life and not questioning what social media was doing to my daily life, I took charge.
So often, I find myself doing something because it’s expected or what I think is the right thing to do. I’ve come to question everything : does this make me happy? Does this bring me joy? Does this fill up my heart with peace and clarity?
There’s going to be a few changes – probably less and less of my children. I’ve realized that I want them to live their lives and it’s their choice what they share with the world. I’m still going to share struggles, but my stories and parenting struggles, not theirs.
So look forward to more food, fitness, lifestyle and more of me! I’m still on this journey of A Lovely Revolution.
Ever had to give up a role? Did it bring you down or did it give you a new found freedom?